Selfishness & Chronic Pain
Recently, someone I had just met said something to me that has stuck with me. I’ve been reflecting on it a lot since and I wanted to write about it.
I met a group of strangers recently whilst participating in a program. It was a very diverse group of people and to say I felt out of place in some ways is an understatement. However, I was determined to be present and unlock new friendships. This program was all about entrepreneurship and I had applied for this program for In Spite Of Pain - because I am wanting to build on educating about women's health and building a community. I didn’t go too deep into In Spite Of Pain with many people as I am still learning how to talk about it in the way that best represents me and my experience. What was natural though, at the beginning of explaining my business, informing them that I have endometriosis, polyendocrine metabolic ovarian syndrome (PMOS, formally known as PCOS), and adenomyosis. It was almost like that was the segway to tell them about ISOP and it communicates that before anything, I have lived experience. Some knew lots about endometriosis specifically, and others didn’t, but were polite enough to care.
Anyway the point of this reflection is: I need to be more selfish when it comes to pain.
To provide some context, we were out of dinner in a small room where the group could mingle, sit, stand, whatever. It was a lovely vibe and the food was good. However, I was not vibing as much as I liked because I was in lots of pain. My lower back, pelvic and hips were aching relentlessly. They had been all day, along with my neck and shoulders. Sitting was painful, standing was painful, existing was painful. I just wanted to go back to the hotel room and lay down with my heat pack. A few of us eventually decided we would leave and head back to the hotel. As we were exiting, some of them got chatting to others - saying goodbye etc. I just stood there waiting, moving my body swinging side to side to try and relieve some of the pain. I wasn’t in a rush, I was just standing waiting and talking to those nearby. Someone came up to me - and it was one of the people I had earlier conversations with during the day about chronic pain. They also experienced chronic pain in their back. This person said something to me at this moment that I have been deeply reflecting on. They said “Why are you standing around waiting for others to leave? You’re in chronic pain and you should just start walking back. You shouldn’t be waiting around for others”.
It got me thinking about selfishness and chronic pain. How many times in my life I have been selfless or put others above my pain - especially in times where it really mattered.
Living with this pain is so normal to me. More often than not, if I’m out: travelling, attending work events, socialising with friends, you name it, something on my body hurts enough for me to be constantly grabbing it (usually my lower back and hips). It’s the little things like waiting for others despite being in pain for hours, or telling people I can stay for longer, or that I’m capable of doing things that might push my body past its limits for the day. So many things that I could, or should be doing to help myself. Because chronic pain like this can be relentless.
I think about that moment a lot. Me standing there, swinging side to side, trying to quietly manage what my body was screaming at me. It took a stranger, someone who also knew what it was like to hurt — to say the thing I'd never let myself think: just go.
I don't have this figured out. But I'm starting to wonder how many versions of that moment I've collected over the years. How many times I've stood there, swinging, waiting, pretending it was fine.
Maybe selfishness isn't the ugly thing I thought it was. Maybe, for those of us in chronic pain, it's just what taking care of yourself actually looks like.